Shut up, you are beautiful.

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11/22/11--14:05: Lost In Color (chan 1726382)

Have you ever felt lost in a place so bright and diverse that you feel colorless? Everybody looks so different, so unique, so extravagant… and then there is you. You are dull, practically lifeless compared to these people with color gushing through their veins. Suddenly you realize how lonely you are. Why did you think that you would belong here? You wish you could fly away, pretend you never even set foot in a place like this, but you are frozen. You can’t escape so you conform. You become different. You start to come to life. You are no longer colorless. You are vibrant.




11/22/11--14:13: This sunlight, the light that dances before our eyesis brilliant, breathtaking, even daring in its... (chan 1726382)

This sunlight, the light that dances before our eyes
is brilliant, breathtaking, even daring in its ways
and I love to watch you stare at it in fascination.
I silently smile and admire the way your eyes widen,
following the patterns of the bright dancing rays.
You laugh and say, “Isn’t the world a beautiful place?”
I stare softly at you for a little while and then reply,
“Yes, yes it certainly is my dear. It’s gorgeous,
almost comparable to your beauty though not quite.
That is simply impossible to compete with.”




11/22/11--14:59: My first spoken word! (I’m sorry, this is rather terrible.... (chan 1726382)





My first spoken word! (I’m sorry, this is rather terrible. Ignore the spots that I mess up in.)

I was in love with you.

I am not going to deny it any longer. We never knew what we were. Friends? Friends with benefits? Boyfriend and girlfriend? I never wanted to put a name on what we had because I was afraid. I was afraid that giving it a name would make me become too attached to you. The funniest part is I didn’t realize how attached to you I was already. You were the reason I wanted to be alive. You gave me a reason to wake up every morning. Instead of having to drag myself out of bed, I looked forward to waking up because it meant I would get to see you. When I was with you, I felt infinite. Nothing could ever harm me. I felt safe with you. I felt loved. When I was away from you, I was still the happiest girl on the planet. Every single message from you made me smile. It didn’t matter if it was a simple “I miss you” or a paragraph telling me about how much you loved me. Our “relationship” went wonderfully for quite some time until I got scared. I was afraid of how much you loved me. I was everything to you and you were my everything in return. This attachment frightened me and I started to push you away, little by little. You took it so personally, but then again, who wouldn’t? One day I am head-over-heels in love with you and a few days later I start to treat you like a stranger. You were so heartbroken and I acted like it didn’t even phase me. You called me up late that night while I was sitting alone by the campfire. Though you tried to muffle your tears, I could hear you sobbing. All I could do was say “I’m sorry” over and over again, hoping that maybe you would believe it. I didn’t want to go back to the way things were. I thought it would be too awkward for us. It was really difficult seeing you after that. You always looked depressed. I couldn’t look you straight in the eyes anymore. After all of the time that had passed as acting as strangers, we finally decided to speak to each other once again. We tried several times to figure out what went wrong between the two of us. You always asked me to explain myself but I never could because I didn’t know. Now it’s August 16, 2011. So much time has passed since you and I were a “we.” I went on a walk up the road we used to travel together, hand in hand. I couldn’t help but think of the spectacular times we had together. Walking along the road with just my thoughts made me finally realize what went wrong with us. I was in love with you. I was scared. I didn’t know how to let you go but I felt like I had to, so I broke your heart. What I did to you was horribly wrong. I was unsure of myself and my feelings but that gave me no right to hurt you. I am sorry.




11/22/11--17:12: For Braiden. A reading of his dream. (My dream) (chan 1726382)





For Braiden.

A reading of his dream.

(My dream)




11/22/11--18:24: He smelled of mangoes and freshly laundered clothing mixed with the scent of Sharpies. The aroma was... (chan 1726382)

He smelled of mangoes and freshly laundered clothing mixed with the scent of Sharpies. The aroma was fresh and enticing. I remember thinking to myself that he would be the one I would fall in love with someday if I were to ever see him again.




11/22/11--22:49: Classes for next semester (hopefully) (chan 1726382)

• Chemistry and the environment
• Principles of microeconomics
• Introduction to rhetorical and analytical writing
• College algebra
• Social problems (diversity)

16 credits




11/23/11--11:09: I think it’d be lovely to send flowers off to a stranger. (chan 1726382)

I think it’d be lovely to send flowers off to a stranger.




11/25/11--20:40: My heart has changed (chan 1726382)

It no longer beats for myself

but for everybody in the world

going about their daily rituals

with no hope for today or

tomorrow or for the future.

It beats for those who cannot

feel alive because life has

stolen and destroyed their emotions,

taking away their own heartbeats. 

My heart has changed for those

who struggle every day to survive,

find food, water, shelter, clothing,

desperately trying to save their families.

I’m a different person now, selfless, 

no longer living for myself but for 

the millions who have nothing else

to feel, nothing else to see, because

they are drenched in a forgotten hope.




11/25/11--21:12: What you tell yourself: It gets better. What the truth is: You are never going to be alright. (chan 1726382)

What you tell yourself: It gets better.

What the truth is: You are never going to be alright.




11/26/11--14:13: I bought another Moleskine today! :D (chan 1726382)





I bought another Moleskine today! :D




11/26/11--15:25: Mr. Rolleiflex (by Irrelevance.) (chan 1726382)





Mr. Rolleiflex (by Irrelevance.)




11/26/11--18:19: 1/365 (by Irrelevance.) I’m doing a 365 project in my... (chan 1726382)





1/365 (by Irrelevance.)

I’m doing a 365 project in my moleskine journal. If you’d like to follow my progress, check out my flickr (link above) or my tumblr.




11/26/11--20:48: We are all going to be okay. You.  Me. All of us. (chan 1726382)

We are all going to be okay.

You. 

Me.

All of us.




11/27/11--16:06: I am incredibly content with the world right now. (chan 1726382)

I am incredibly content with the world right now.




11/27/11--16:42: Today in 17 syllables (chan 1726382)

I find that my mouth

curves into a shy smile

when I think of you.




11/27/11--17:56: 2/365 (by Irrelevance.) I’m doing a 365 project in my moleskine... (chan 1726382)





2/365 (by Irrelevance.)

I’m doing a 365 project in my moleskine journal. If you’d like to follow my progress, check out my flickr (link above) or my tumblr.




11/27/11--20:52: it’s cute when you tell a boy you like something, like spiked hair or dress shirts with rolled... (chan 1726382)

it’s cute when you tell a boy you like something,

like spiked hair or dress shirts with rolled up sleeves,

and they wear it the next day.




11/28/11--16:05: Reverse Psychology: (chan 1726382)

I don’t want you anymore.




11/28/11--20:29: I think I like curly hair. It’s bouncy, which equals fun.... (chan 1726382)





I think I like curly hair. It’s bouncy, which equals fun. d:




11/29/11--17:24: You were a boy (chan 1726382)

I know this because all you left me with was one minuscule paper cut on my heart. The cut healed in a matter of days and I could move on with my life. You weren’t a man. You weren’t even close to being one. A man would have left my heart bruised and scarred, barely beating. A man would have taken my heart and carelessly thrown in a blender and further destroy it by running it over with his red pickup truck. A man would have left me completely broken, empty, and lifeless. You extracted an insignificant amount of blood from my heart. You were only a boy.