Shut up, you are beautiful.

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01/21/12--13:47: I spent the first half of today in tears but realized it really wasn’t getting me anywhere so... (chan 1726382)

I spent the first half of today in tears

but realized it really wasn’t getting me anywhere

so now I am going to be happy instead.




01/21/12--15:35: Bright White Walls (chan 1726382)

(This is a piece I wrote for my Introduction to Rhetorical and Analytical Writing class.)

I often find myself surrounded by dark shadows that slowly creep their way inside of me and contaminate my lungs with their poison. I find myself helplessly gasping for air but it is of no use. It never is. I suffocate on the blackness of my own self-doubt that has enclosed around me until I pass out. 

All of my life I have set high expectations for myself. No matter how hard I try or how many compliments I receive on something I’ve created, I still find myself feeling like I could have done a whole lot better. For years on end, I have been putting myself into what I like to call the “not good enough” box. Everything I do always manages to fall short of my own expectations. Perfectionist is not a word I would use to describe myself, though I have been called one a countless number of times by my family members and peers. Being stuck in this box seems like an ideal location to some. I find it to be nothing short of dreadful. There is no room for me to move around in here. It is a cramped and uncomfortable space with walls painted in a white that seems brighter than usual. Whenever I try to accomplish something, I end up with smeared paint on the once pristine walls and leave dirty footprints tracked all over the floor. Perhaps this is creativity. To me, it’s usually nothing but a worthless mess. For some reason I can never be fully satisfied with what I have done. Nothing is ever complete.

This “not good enough” box consists of not only my failure to appreciate my own work but extends into my relationships with other people. I am afraid that there is nothing special about me and others will be disappointed when they realize that themselves. Somewhere inside of me resides the belief that I’m a huge disappointment to others every time I let myself down. It sounds so foolish and irrational when put on paper, but it’s the way I’ve always felt.

There is something so unsettling about the thought of never being good enough for anybody, especially myself. It is every intention of mine to escape this box. I already possess the desire to do so but find myself lacking the confidence. Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to not worry about the minuscule details of every task at hand. I would like to think that the feeling would be very similar to how a caged bird would feel if it were released from its captivity. Freedom would most likely be a strange sensation at first. I imagine the confusion blossoming into pure and simple bliss. When I choose to set myself free, I don’t see myself taking baby steps. I would take off right away just like the bird. The very first thing I would do is conjure up an incredibly massive mess. I would not be upset with my actions nor would I try to tidy up the disaster into neat little piles of perfect order. I would find beauty in the broken and give it the love it deserves.

My box that holds me as a prisoner of my own doubt would not end up in the recycling bin as most boxes do. A match would be used to set it ablaze until it’s nothing but a pile of ashes ready to be blown away by a quick gust of wind. Nobody deserves to be put into box that stops them from reaching their full potential. I can and will escape from not being good enough. After all, the only person stopping me is myself.




01/21/12--16:18: What generally makes you fall in love with a person? (chan 1726382)

I don’t allow myself to fall in love. 

I am too afraid.




01/21/12--17:33: What is a word you hate? (chan 1726382)

Swag.




01/21/12--17:52: You said you don’t know meAnd you don’t even care, oh yeahWell you said you don’t... (chan 1726382)

You said you don’t know me
And you don’t even care, oh yeah
Well you said you don’t know me
And you don’t wear my chains, oh yeah

She said I think I’ll go to Boston
I think I’ll start a new life
I think I’ll start it over
Where no one knows my name




01/21/12--19:19: Make a list of some people that make you happy. (chan 1726382)

• Taylor
• Kassie
• Mike
• Timothy
• Jenna
• Beth
• Braiden
• Anne

This is of course just a few.




01/21/12--19:59: What should I watch on Netflix Instant tonight? (chan 1726382)

What should I watch on Netflix Instant tonight?




01/21/12--21:10: January 21, 2012. (chan 1726382)

Today has not been my day.

I’ll do my best to sleep it away.




01/21/12--21:29: How is it that the one who brought me the most pain still manages to bring me the most joy? (chan 1726382)

How is it that the one who brought me the most pain still manages to bring me the most joy?




01/22/12--16:39: I think I’ve lost all hope in my generation. (chan 1726382)

I think I’ve lost all hope in my generation.




01/22/12--17:56: to-do list (chan 1726382)

• breathe
• hate myself less
• realize life gets better
• avoid self-destructive activities
• drink sweet dreams tea
• take a long shower
• get some sleep




01/22/12--18:39: Never say that you hate yourself. Do not speak those words out loud. Better yet, do not even let... (chan 1726382)

Never say that you hate yourself. Do not speak those words out loud. Better yet, do not even let that thought cross your mind. Once that negative seed it planted inside of you, self hate spreads rapidly through your body. It’s a venom deadly enough to steal away everything you love. You will no longer be able to experience bliss. Life will become a steep slope of black ice. No matter how hard you try to hold on, you’ll keep sliding further down the hill. Eventually you will hit rock bottom. In a desperate attempt to escape, you’ll swallow a handful of pills chased by hard liquor. You’ll find a twisted pleasure in pressing a razor blade to your wrist and gagging yourself until dinner makes its way back up your esophagus. No matter how self-destructive you become, escaping yourself seems impossible. Self-loathing is a never-ending cycle. It’s much better to say that you love yourself instead. 




01/23/12--17:17: Having a four day weekend every week is so strange. I don’t know what to do with myself. I... (chan 1726382)

Having a four day weekend every week is so strange.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

I think I need a job.




01/23/12--18:09: Was what we had love or lust? Don’t answer, it’s trivial. We both know what matters... (chan 1726382)

Was what we had

love or lust?

Don’t answer,

it’s trivial.

We both know

what matters is

how it felt.




01/23/12--19:46: My tea tonight has given me the very best of advice. (chan 1726382)





My tea tonight has given me the very best of advice.




01/24/12--14:52: If you live in Manitoba or go to college there, do you like it? Do they call it university instead... (chan 1726382)

If you live in Manitoba or go to college there, do you like it?

Do they call it university instead of college?

Uh… okay, I really know nothing about Canada.

If you’re from Canada, tell me how you like it. d:

I really would love to go to school there and tuition wouldn’t be any more expensive (and possibly even cheaper) than if I stayed in Minnesota.




01/24/12--15:52: Woo! My mom says I can possibly go to Canada for college. She told me that it’s my future and... (chan 1726382)

Woo!

My mom says I can possibly go to Canada for college. She told me that it’s my future and I should do what makes me happy! 

She was all convinced it would be too expensive, but bam, tuition is around $3,500/year. My brother’s college is more like $32,000/year. Plus I’m getting two years done for free because of PSEO.




01/24/12--20:53: 16/365 (by Irrelevance.) I’m doing a 365 project in my... (chan 1726382)





16/365 (by Irrelevance.)

I’m doing a 365 project in my moleskine journal. If you’d like to follow my progress, check out my flickr or my tumblr.




01/24/12--20:56: 17/365 & 18/365 (by Irrelevance.) I’m doing a 365 project... (chan 1726382)





17/365 & 18/365 (by Irrelevance.)

I’m doing a 365 project in my moleskine journal. If you’d like to follow my progress, check out my flickr or my tumblr.




01/25/12--17:24: Hiatus (chan 1726382)

I need to escape from tumblr for a little while.

I will return in seven days or so.

Have a wonderful week.

-Anna.